cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
