I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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