Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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