dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
