Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
