I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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