my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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