Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
