so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I checked into jail on foursquare
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
