I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
