I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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