were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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