It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
