His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drunk is not a location!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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