Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
