he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
