If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
