Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
