In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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