I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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