The maid of honor just puked.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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