I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
