I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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