It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
