I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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