Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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