Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
