I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
