i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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