we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
