If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
