Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
