Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How does one acquire holy water?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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