so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
