You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
