I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
