My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You need a sexual gate keeper
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
