Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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