Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
