you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
