2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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