You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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