I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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