So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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