I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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