I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
