I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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