I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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