How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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