I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
